Pregnitude

Pregnitude is a reproductive supplement in the form of a powder you take twice daily. Each dose has 2000 mg of Myo Inositol and 200 mcg of Folic Acid. The purpose of this supplement is to restore regularity in menstrual cycles (including ovulation), and promote healthy egg quality.

I have toyed around with the idea of this supplement for months and now that everything else has failed, I decided to give it a try.

I will try to give some occasional updates on my experience with Pregnitude. So far I am on day 2, and I have had 0 side effects or changes.

Low Carb Week 3

So I somehow managed to gain all of my weight back. *Facepalm*
I take that back. I know how it happened. I stopped taking my metformin. I know, I know…that’s terrible. And definitely not okay. I just haven’t felt like taking it. So I really need to start taking it again.

Starting: October 14: 178.8
Week 1: October 21: 172.6
Week 2: October 28: 175
Week 3: November 4: 178.8
0 pounds down, 15 pounds until goal 1, 28 pounds from goal 2.

I was going to just skip this weeks update since I epically failed but I need to keep myself motivated. I bought some new tennis shoes this weekend so I’m hoping to start running and sticking to the low carb diet.

I will make progress one of these days.

The First Step

They always say the first step is admitting you have a problem.

After I found out our fourth cycle failed, I lost all ability to hide my feelings. I can’t put into words what I’m feeling. There are a lot tears. And there is this constant ripping feeling like my heart is just going to explode.

When I was 9 and I stopped seeing my father and realized that he didn’t want to see me, I thought my heart broke.
When my neighbor, Warren, who was like a best friend to me passed away, I thought my heart broke.
When my abusive long-term boyfriend broke up with me, I thought my heart broke.
When Mark, and Lexi, and George, and Izzy died on Grey’s Anatomy, I thought my heart broke.

But right now, this very second. I literally feel my heart breaking. I feel it all day. I feel it every day. I never stop feeling it.

I used to get a little sad when I saw pregnancy announcements and photos of ultrasounds and “bumps”. I would think how much I wished it was me. But now it’s different. All those things don’t just make me sad, they make me feel broken and empty. I used to really good at pretending to be excited and happy. I used to be really good at holding my feelings back when my family members talk about all their children and grandchildren. I used to be okay.

I don’t like the word “depressed” so I’ll just say that right now I’m not okay. It’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of. It’s perfectly okay to not be okay. But it’s come time for me to admit that I need help. It may be through a support group, or it may be through a therapist, but today I start the process of getting help.

Low Carb Week 2

So the first week went great. I felt amazing,  I was eating right, and the weight was coming off. I was thrilled at the thought that this weight would come off so fast and before we knew it I could have hope at getting pregnant.

Second week…not so much. I slowly started eating unhealthy again. Not a lot, but more than I’d like. I just need to start asking myself, “Is this hurting or helping your journey?”

Weight Loss:
Starting: October 14: 178.8
Week 1: October 21: 172.6
Week 2: October 28: 175
 3.8 pounds down, 12 pounds until goal 1, 25 pounds from goal 2.

So I only gained 2ish pounds which really isn’t that bad, but I still feel disappointed in myself.

Crossing my fingers I can do better this week.

Low Carb Week 1

Okay so most of you know DH and I are taking a break. We decided on a break for multiple reasons.
1. My body has been through a lot of injections, hormones, drugs, etc. in the past few months and really needs to rest.
2. My husband is going to be on the overnight shift until January. We’ve done cycles on overnights before, but it’s really stressful.
3. I want to lose weight. I hear all these stories about women with PCOS magically getting pregnant after going low carb and losing weight so I am hoping and praying I get to be one of those stories. When we started this disaster in summer 2013 I was over 200 lbs. My goal has always been 150 lbs. I have lost weight and yo-yo-ed all over the place. 200 lbs–>170 lbs–>184 lbs–>167 lbs–>178 lbs. It’s time for me to lose this weight once and for all.

So what’s the plan? Well I am very close to my goal. I have come extremely far since that summer when I weighed a miserable 200 lbs. By sticking to this low carb diet I hope to reach my goal fairly quickly. My first goal is 163 lbs. This will lower my BMI. If I get to 163 lbs my BMI will finally be under 30 which is optimal for fertility. My ultimate goal is 150. I don’t ever want to be smaller than that. 150 lbs will be 50 pounds lost and I will be very happy with that weight.

I’m going to try to give an update on this whole low carb/TTC break thing each Tuesday. I know today is Wednesday so I’m late, but oh well.

Weight Loss:
Starting: October 14: 178.8
Week 1: October 21: 172.6
6 pounds down, 10 pounds until goal 1, 22 pounds from goal 2.

Thoughts This Week:
I am hungry. Adjusting to low carb is hard. Michael is doing it with me and that means the world to me. He isn’t big on veggies, so it’s been hard to find meals that satisfy both of us but I think we’re going pretty good. My hunger is slowly going away. I know after a few more days I will be just fine.

I am still struggling with the acceptance that this cycle did not work. Some have even called me depressed. That is not a word I like to use to describe myself but I will say there have been a lot of tears cried. I’m slowly figuring out how to keep living my life knowing the most aggressive of protocols did not work and we may never have children. I’m struggling a lot with my family. I have some relatives who have been angels. Some of them have been incredibly loving and supportive while others make me want to throw my fist through a wall. I will never understand how people can be so heartless and cold towards those going through this (especially when they have children of their own. I can almost hear them saying “haha I have kids and you don’t). But I’m learning to accept that they don’t get it, they never will, and I cannot expect them to.

I’m spending a lot of time with my husband who, like always, has been my rock. I can’t say in words how thankful I am to have him. Everyone else in the world may have babies but I would rather have Michael. If God gave me a choice between being a mother and being Michael’s wife…I would choose to be Michael’s wife.

I’ll give another update next week. Thanks for reading. ❤

Faith

A few weeks ago, I decided I needed to make a change in my life. That change was my relationship with God. I knew that I needed him more than I ever have in the past. So I started praying almost daily and reading scripture whenever I could. It gave me peace. But as I felt our cycle failing, I became bitter. And I stopped.

I had a long talk with my coworker about God and faith and I realized that I can’t just stop. I need to keep my faith and trust that God has a plan. I don’t know what his plan is. That frustrates me. I wish he would just tell me, “Hey, you aren’t going to be pregnant now. I need you to do _____ first. But you will be mother.”

There are only three things I am finding comfort in right now: my husband, my best friend, and my God. Reading his word brings me comfort and reminds me that God does amazing things and always has a plan for us.

“In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.” Psalm 94:19.

Adoption

A few people have brought this word up to me with good intentions. They ask why I am so caught up in having my own child when there are so many out there who need parents. Believe me, I am fully aware of all the children desperately needing families and I would love nothing more than to save all of them. I am not one of those people who refuse adoption because it isn’t a biological child.

So what is keeping us from pursuing adoption? The cost. The average cost of adoption is $20,000-$40,000. We just don’t have that kind of money lying around.

I have spent countless hours researching adoption agencies, familiarizing myself with the process, brainstorming fundraising ideas, etc. It is definitely something we want to do when the time comes. That time is not now. We are still in our early 20’s and aren’t ready to give up on having our own children. Adoption could very well be in our future, and we are taking steps now to prepare for that, but it isn’t our path right now.

Family Pictures

On the positive side, we had our pictures done recently. My friend Jenna did an amazing job.

I couldn’t think of a title for this post. It’s probably going to be a little bit of everything.

I haven’t updated this blog in awhile. I felt like I was just rambling and nobody really wanted to hear about it anyway. So I slowly stopped using it. I’ve since realized that I have a lot of feelings that I just can’t shake. I am struggling big time. So I think it’s time I start using this blog again.

Since I last posted, we’ve done two cycles. Cycle #3 restored my hope. We did our typical 5mg Femara and upped the injections to 5 days right before ovulation. At 9 DPO my HPT was negative. I was okay at 9DPO because at least I knew the trigger was out of my system and if I got a positive the next few days it was the real deal.10DPO I got my very first ever big fat positive. It stared at me and I was frozen. I really couldn’t believe it. I went the whole day wondering if it was real. So on my lunch break at work I ran out to Wal-Mart to get another test. It was positive. I was so ecstatic I cried. My husband cried. We were finally pregnant.

The next day I was so excited to wake up and take another pregnancy test to see a darker line. Instead of a darker line I saw no line at all. The test was negative. During the next three days I must have peed on about 10 pregnancy tests desperate for that little pink line to come back. But it never did. I heard about chemical pregnancies before but I never imagined it would happen to me.

With cycle #4 we got more aggressive. We did 10 days of injections this time. He described this as an IVF protocol without the IVF. Early into the cycle we discovered I was creating too many follicles. This was scary. We had more than 8 growing. On CD 11 only 4 were mature so we went ahead with the trigger shot. We were so sure this was it. SURELY with FOUR follicles at least one of them was bound to fertilize, right?! Wrong. None of them did. And here I am at the end of yet another failed cycle.

I feel completely destroyed. I had so much hope and faith. My dreams are completely shattered and I am seriously beginning to question if I will ever be a mother.

Fertility Treatment Round 2

This treatment cycle started out GREAT. Everything was basically perfect. I seemed to respond well to the medications and had some beautiful follicles that matured nicely. I ovulated, but my progesterone was only 9.18. It should be above 10 for natural cycles and above 15 for medicated cycles.

I really am happy with how everything went. I don’t have any regrets about this cycle at all, other than the fact that I did not eat very healthy. That has a huge impact on fertility treatments especially when you have PCOS.

I got my period today meaning that this cycle has failed. Of course it is painful and heart breaking since we were so hopeful this was our time. We even had a strong chance of conceiving twins.

But unfortunately, God didn’t think it was our time yet.

So what are we doing next? We have no idea. Dr. Lipari said if this cycle was unsuccessful he wants to modify our treatment plan. I have no idea what he is thinking is the next step. For me? I have requested more blood work and a semen analysis. I also need to focus on losing weight. I’m not stopping our treatments, but I need to get back to lowcarb/paleo. I need to be healthy. I’m also planning on adding some more vitamins and supplements into my daily routine.

All we can do is hope to get some answers and to move on to the next step. ❤